Thoughts in Isolation: 3

Art Journal, Self Reflection, Thoughts

Monday, May 4, 2020

Wow, where’d you come from Taryn? Up before noon? Breakfast? Laundry? Feeling ambitious? Making plans? Yeah… getting yourself on a med taking schedule is kicking in fast. Days. Who knows how many doses you were flaking out on. That’s life managing mental health. You can slip so easy. Especially during times of crisis. When everyone is giving themselves permission to eat ice cream for breakfast, it’s easy to let things go. Forgetting you need structures to keep anxiety and depression and at bay. Oops. But we have a lifetime of experience to draw from. And know when things are getting weird upstairs. Imagine all the people out there who are going into this new world completely unprepared for dealing with their crazy? Be gentle with them. They are fresh at this.

Friday May 8, 2020

It snowed. The Upper Peninsula is a magical world of winter and water. People are expressing further frustration from the oppressive feelings a spring snow rains down on their heads. I think it’s beautiful. I’m on track to cement in a habit of getting up before noon and taking my meds. Getting to bed is challenged by my discovery of a new author. I’m riding the sci-fi adventure genre. Six books deep. Second series. Will they survive?

Also murder hornets have taken over pop culture and FB arguments. Along with the “plandemic” video. Will the wonders of 2020 never cease??? I can watch the riptides of information, misinformation and spin spread across social media. Mostly, I feel like people just don’t understand their own psychology.

Saturday, May 9, 2020

I’m sick of people.

Monday, May 11, 2020

Today was a good day. Up before noon. A solid art session. A good breakfast. A walk. Went for a ride yesterday for supplies. Things are looking up inside my brain.

Thursday, May 12, 2020

I was thinking.

I was thinking about all the places and things I experienced over the winter. And I feel so fulfilled. I got the experience of long term traveling and the freedom to create art. And I did it. And I saw many of the places I dreamed about, and more.

What a generous Universe.

Now is the time for rest.

Next is the unfolding of the next gift. Mine is blessed life.

Friday, May 13, 2020

Getting art supplies in the era of Covid-19… one must lower their expectations dramatically. I’m exercising a level of patience I didn’t know I had. But then, it’s nice to slow down.

Monday, May 18, 2020

Being an adult is far overrated. I’m glad I grew up to be an artist.

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

The feeling of watching people leave. The moment of separation. Wether planned, after a visit, or after a fight… I find that peeling away of their presence excruciating. I don’t mean when they leave to go to the store, I mean when they leave and there’s going to be hours and days between you. That moment. That sick sinking moment when they walk away from you. Your last hug (or in some cases not) and you don’t know when you’ll feel their mass again.

Tonight I sleep alone. And even though it’s temporary and planned and necessary and he’s a phone call away… That moment of peeling away. That last hug. I need my human with me.

Monday, May 25, 2020

Spring took so long to get here. Then overnight the trees opened up their wells of green and life sprouts from the earth in multitudes. At night frogs chorus and whip-poor-wills break through. Moving through the night calling here and there. The dawn moves fast on the night, there’s barely a touch of night. People are restless here this time of year. I think it’s having so much daylight. It’s only dark for a little over seven hours.

And I prepare for yet another strange new disruption in my life.

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

George Floyd. What terrors we’ve given power to. Little beasts with such ugly hearts to ignore the pleas of a fading man.

Tuesday, June 2, 2020

The country is on fire.

Michigan lifts the “Stay at home” order.

100 Day Project: Week 14

100 Day Project, Projects

Day 92: April 22

Lines.

Day 93: April 23

Where did this day go? It’s amazing how long and short the days are.

Day 94: April 24

Literally put one line down today. I’m so frustrated. Nothing feels right. No idea I’m working on is coming together right. Binging tv instead.

Day 95: April 25

Bringing some ideas full circle.

Day 96: April 26

Finished up a piece from yesterday with lines. So close.

Day 97: April 27

Nada to say.

Day 98: April 28

98/100 Days

100 Day Project: Week 13

100 Day Project, Projects

Day 85: April 15

The end is nigh! Nigh! I’m so excited. It’s like a light went on. I’m seeing possibilities on blank paper today.

Day 86: April 16

Why didn’t I find paint circles sooner in this process? Decided to use extra paint left over in a circle and it went down a new rabbit hole.

Day 87: April 17

lines. If I learned nothing else, I learned to sooth myself by making lines and letting my headspace fall away. That lesson I do not want to lose. When I’m stuck. I can just make lines until I unstick. And the exercise rarely fails. It’s soothing and loosens my creativity.

Day 88: April 18

I’m stuck on my painting so I’m using the 100 Day to work out a problem. That’s a new development.

Day 89: April 19

Exploring whatever I feel at this point. Trying not to overthink.

Day 90: April 20

Not exactly productive. Feeling stuck at the same stage on all pieces. Meanwhile I’m completely engrossed in stripping a canvas for reuse.

Day 91: April 21

Oh… wow! Wow! Wow! I cannot believe we are here.

100 Day Project: Week 12

100 Day Project, Projects

Day 78: April 8

I promise I worked on it.

Day 79: April 9

Where do the days go! Blink and they cascade. Playing more with feathers.

Day 80: April 10

Feathers. I found my bag of feathers to explore.

Day 81: April 11

I should probably do something about posting last week.

Ok… I did it! I really procrastinated on that one. Other than that hurdle… still playing with feathers.

… and was inspired and industrious today. That’s the lesson isn’t it. To just keep showing up day after day. Through all the mood variations and life obstacles.

Day 82: April 12

Take the productivity when it comes. Because it goes. I cannot do anything right today! I throw in the towel.

Day 83: April 13

A very late start today. I mean my days flipped somewhere. I have an hour left in the day to do something.

Another successful Day in Isolation.

Day 84: April 14

I don’t have to love everything that I create.

84/100 Days

Thoughts in Isolation

Art Journal, Self Reflection

Friday, March 27, 2020

Day 1: I cried yesterday. Somewhere in Minnesota we reached the boreal forest and it felt like being suffocated. I dreamed so long of traveling (without the means of doing so). My heart irrational. I cried “I know all these trees!”

On the other hand I have a home to come to. Both physically and geographical. When times were difficult before, when I had no where to go, or no money, or the relationship was over; I had that in my father’s land. And I have that now. An imperfect home in the woods. Walls, roof and heat.

Today we unpack. Do laundry. Assess the winter damage: one bedroom, the drywall of the ceiling partially collapsed and water damage to the floor. Something wrong with the stink stack. The kitchen faucet is partially broke. The shower head is completely shattered and the pipes are damaged in the wall. Somehow the wood shed is still standing, against expectations. The dishwasher isn’t quite right. Something in the switch. I found thistle seed stashes. Somebody (or somebodies) small and furry is living in my home.

News: Prime Minister Boris Johnson is Covid-19 positive with mild symptoms.

News: Our President is making it personal with the Governor of Michigan. Suppliers are being told not to send supplies, even when the President stated governors should procure their own.

I am afraid now, more than ever. I am more angry than I’ve ever been. I am helpless. I took a long bath, my first in eight months. I can’t get calm. I’m going to go for a nap. To try to get out from these overwhelming feelings. I have too many people working in nursing. I am breaking down. I cry, seeing their faces. Terrified for them.

Saturday, March 28, 2020

Day 2: The cat doesn’t stop crying. He bellows in empty rooms. He may be channeling my feelings. I was weepy and I’m now hollowed out. I can’t even go out to escape. There’s no escape. My body escapes for me. Drowsiness comes down often. This is the life of the damaged. My brain takes care of me by putting me to sleep.

News: the President declares a state of emergency for Michigan. They send 1000 N95 Masks. It’s a hysterically low number. I take solace in governor Coumo’s daily briefings. He’s the leader in this crisis.

Sunday, March 29, 2020

Day 3: Anger. I’ve always despised Sundays and Holidays because of the limits put on what you can and cannot go and do. But now every day feels like a Sunday. If I could sleep through till this was over I would, but I can’t and I shouldn’t. I’ve already slid too far into the comforts of sleep. Instead I’m going to try to set some daily expectations for myself.

Coffee & 100 Day Project

Clean Something

Read

Art

Today I cleaned one area in the kitchen. Which led to some open shelves. Good enough. More than I set out to do.

News: the President accused New York hospitals of nefarious activity with PPE in the corona task force news conference. Every day I listen to that and to Governor Coumo. Thank the stars for Fauci and Coumo.

Monday March 30, 2020

Day 4: Hope is a tender thing. Hope is a small newborn babe. Hope is a fire in night. Hope. My husband had an interview this morning. It sounds like a job offer is coming, for after the Covid-19 crisis. There’s hope in this darkness. Hope can crush a human under its enormous weight. Hope can be dashed. I wait in the wilderness with hope in my heart.

News: Yesterday the President announced 30 more days of Social Distancing.

Coffee and failed attempt at 100 Day Project

News

Got internet access

Cleaned out bookcase and purged books

Napped

Tried to watch Pet Cemetery

Ran away and worked on The Painting, it goes well

Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Day 5: More overcast days than sunny moments, the weather is concurrent with my oppressed mood. The cat continues to cry. Yowls if he cannot see me. Sometimes I drug him with catnip to get it to stop. He is unhappy.

People are expressing feelings of derealization on social media. Welcome to the world of trauma my friends. Only, we are just getting started. My trauma responses are in full gear. Numbness. Sleeping long hours. Fatigue. Loss of interest. Derealization. The only way is through. The way through is to try a little every day to be human until the fog lifts. Go through the motions until they aren’t motions. Set little attainable goals.

News: The administration “believes” the peak of cases will hit in two weeks.

Coffee and the motions of the 100 Day Project

Forced myself to clean a couple walls and two shelves. That’s enough of that.

Bath

Reading

Weight of drowsiness overtook me: nap

Coumo and then Trump news briefings

Staring at a wall

Cut paper for Polaroid project

April 1, 2020

Day 6: My mental health is unraveling. It is a chore to get myself to do things. I let off Instagram and my Charley Lakes Studio Facebook page . Fine. I am trying to get the fortitude to work on the Polaroid project. I’m barely putting effort forth into the 100 Day Project. I’m sleeping in and napping. I know this headspace well. And it is not a good place. This is not where I thought I’d be last week. I’m fighting my way through.

News: Florida finally has a “stay at home” order. Kurt fixed the shower.

Coffee and 100 Day Project (posted last weeks blog) while listening to NPR updates.

Leftover pancakes and Coumo briefing. Which I turned off. I felt my body descend into drowsiness. That’s enough.

Read

Nap

Cleaned off kitchen cupboard fronts: literally the least I could commit to

Stare out the window

Watch “Witcher” and cut paper. I have no idea what is going on. What is the plot?

April 2, 2020

Day 7: The sun shines. I feel lighter. I drink coffee and explore social media. I am appalled at the ridiculous conspiracy theories on tap. Like the time I read a thick book on why atheists were right (I turned agnostic), I come out of this time absolutely sure conspiracy theorists are dead wrong. I’ve had enough. Everyone seems to have their favorite. As though the reality of this world isn’t fantastic enough. Reality is far more amazing than given credit. Maybe we need more arts and sciences. To sit in wonder of the mundane without need of some spectacular shadowy double truth.

News: Michigan officially suspends the K-12 school year. The Democratic National Convention moved to August.

Coffee & 100 Day Project & NPR podcasts: productive

Can’t get the Coumo briefing to play.

Read

Nap

Polaroid Project

Witcher… finished it. I think I get it. Maybe.

April 3, 2020

Day 8: The days blur. Woke up well after noon. Oops. I watch people on social media, who weren’t taking the situation serious, change their tune. I hate cleaning. And I hate having a messy house. Conundrums.

News: Etsy sent out a request asking for its makers to make masks.

Coffee & 100 Day Project

Stare out the window

Polaroid project

Refuse to nap… sort of watch a movie and start a tv show: “the expanse”

Life is becoming so small…

April 4, 2020

Day 9: My vessel facilitates anger. I vibrate with it. I am nobody. I, and everyone I know, we are acceptable losses to the capitalist gods of greed. What a better world this would be if we weren’t tethered to live in an expansion economy. There must be other ways we can live? Surely???

News: no news intake, need mental space today

Coffee & slow simmering anger

100 Day Project

Polaroid Project

Thought long and hard about cleaning… not today!

Binge watching “The Expanse” (don’t judge me. I’ve not watched anything since October)

April 5, 2020

Day 10: The snow is going away fast. When we arrived home, our house was snowed in. We had to break a trail through deep snow to haul necessities in. Now? The driveway is mud.

News: Texas issues “stay at home order”

Coffee & 100 Day Project

A walk

getting fancy… have the easel in the house for the painting now

more “the expanse”

Monday, April 6, 2020

Day 11: I realized I was checking out of reality. I put NPR on this morning and I couldn’t even finish my coffee before I was back in bed. So check out of reality it’s going to have to be if I want to be awake. Or save news for a bedtime snack.

News: prime minister Boris Johnson in the ICU and the Queen gives a rare speech. A tiger in a zoo is infected.

Coffee and 100 Day Project

Nap

Painting

TV

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

Day 12: It rains.

Coffee

Sleep

100 Day Project

TV

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

Day 13: The sun shines. The cat cries.

Coffee & 100 Day Project

Read

Sleep

Read

Sleep

TV

Thursday, April 9, 2020

Day 14: Hope. A year after my husband lost his job. A year of stress and worry and adventure. Good news today. Fragile news amongst the sea of uncertainty. News that could evaporate as the world continues to be tossed upside down by a virus.

Coffee…

100 Day Project: Week 10

100 Day Project, Projects

Day 64: March 25

Started three new pieces last night playing with plant textures. Added paint today. Flattening the collected plant material in my sketchbook helped. Still awful to work with.

Day 65: March 26

I can work freely now that I am home. First I had to make a trip through the snow to the camper each time I needed something. But mostly I don’t feel like it. I start and stop. All day. Starts and stops. And staring. I’m exhausted from the drive across the country. I’m emotionally exhausted from the this world turned upside-down. I’ve begun a new blog writing ritual to get me through without the travel writing.

Day 66: March 27

Art work is the last thing I feel like doing. I feel like I’m resting on the work that came before and I think that’s ok right now. I’m just showing up for now.

Day 67: March 28

Tossed some paint on a piece I wasn’t going to. Glad I did. Started a second canvas based on the works I’ve done in the 100 Day Project.

Day 68: March 29

I lost a day somewhere. I don’t know how. I thought this was (today) March 30.

Day 69: March 30

Creative block this morning. Not even doing lines helped. Maybe later. The canvasses go better.

Day 70: March 31

These texture studies are infuriating.

Days 70/100

100 Day Project: Week 9

100 Day Project, Projects

Day 57: March 18

No sooner had I put pen to paper than we were informed the California State Park we were staying at for the night was closing because of the corona virus outbreak. Off we go. Maybe later I’ll be able to get last week’s post together.

Day 58: March 19

If nothing else then just make lines and the rest will follow later. Even if I barely make one piece this week of lines, little by little every day. How life can crash in. We are traveling long days, much longer than we ever did before. We may slow down here, but home is the goal.

Day 59: March 20

I was able to put a little paint where it was needed on various pieces last night. Then worked on lines on a piece this morning. We were still in California when the new state-wide shelter-in-place order went through. Moving east. Still working on art through this.

Day 60: March 21

Tired. If you wonder where the progress photos went, I killed the camera on my phone. One too many drops. Photos will have to wait until the end of the week batch. It’s too much of a hassle to do it daily. Finished a textured piece last night. Working on others this morning. Started collecting more plant stuff on the road and, after learning my lesson, they are flattening in my sketchbook. Some of these earlier pieces are being held down by linen strips because they are so unruly.

Day 61: March 22

I did something this morning. But that was ages ago and a state of the union away. I showed up. Goodnight.

Day 62: March 23

Coffee. Pen. Paper. Morning light. Road.

Day 63: March 24

I’m here, minimally. But every little bit adds to the whole. Will attempt to carve out time to document works today. We. Will. See.

Days 64/100
In progress.